Take the previous case as an example, what makes the expressions “dysfunctional”?

messaggi tu-lei

I/YOU MESSAGES

All the expressions made towards the second person, accompanied with an accusation/reprimand/etc… are like a finger pointed at the other.
“You should….”, “You're always so…”, “But why are you acting so…”

The effect that these expressions have on the other is negative: they feel hurt and/or feel attacked. They will react with:
- resistance, opposition;
- guilt, justifications;
- anger, aggression, feeling bad.

They will adopt more ‘natural’ and innate strategies (see Week 4), that is, they will react by counter-attacking (FIGHT) or running away (FLIGHT).

messaggi io

I MESSAGES

An alternative, and more functional way of resolving the conflict, is to express our disagreement with messages that indicate our state of mind in the conflict situation.
“I feel bad, because…”, “I feel that…”, “I would like…”

These expressions do not push the other person towards a reactive to “fight” or “flight” mechanism, but leave room for an open and productive dialogue:
- the other is struck, surprised;
- reacts thoughtfully;
- offer availability to clarify things.